Product Hunt for abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

The other day I came across Telescope, a product that lets anyone launch their own community site, Product Hunt-style. Just when you think you’ve seen too many “Product Hunt for X” sites, someone gives you the ability to generate as many of them as humanly possible.

It’s not inherently a bad or stupid idea, I swear. But every time someone develops some sort of platform that “lets you make your very own X”, I get a little terrified at the implications that platform may have on society – or, more specifically, the silly ideas that the platform enables. If the “Uber for X” mentality gave us things like this, I can’t imagine what a well-marketed “Product Hunt for X” solution gives us.

Because I get bored during my commute sometimes, I came up with a few ideas for Telescope sites that I thought might be good1. Yay for rapid brainstorming!

  • Anxiety Hunt: submit what’s making you anxious at any particular moment; others can upvote the things that they’re also anxious about. Let’s all be upfront about our insecurities, k? (Speaking of which, is Post Secret still a thing?)
  • Bitch Hunter Hunt: Upvote the best lines from the amazing, non-existent movie starring Will Ferrell, Bitch Hunter.
  • Crack Overflow: Stack Overflow, but for people who periodically suffer from plumber’s crack. (What do you post on a site like that? I don’t know, I wear skinny jeans.)
  • Duck Duck Hunt Hunt: post and upvote screenshots and videos of your favorite moments from the classic game, Duck Hunt.
  • Ethan Hunt: Product Hunt for all things Mission: Impossible.
  • Fuck Hunt: Basically, Product Hunt for porn. V2: import the top voted porn images into a live web version of Duck Hunt!
  • Grunt Hunt: Inspired by Eugene Mirman’s I’m Sorry, You’re Welcome, this gem lets users upload and vote on the best interpretations of various sound effects performed by their own speaking voice.
  • Helen Hunt: Product Hunt for all people in the world named Helen. Vote which ones you think are the best! Except Helen Hunt, of course.
  • I Hunt Myself: For the ultimate narcissist, this platform allows you to submit virtually anything you care about and upvote them based on your personal ranking of those things. The twist? You’re the only one who can access your list. And every upvote triggers a little “Me me me!” sound effect.
  • Jerk Hunt: Product Hunt for douchebags. You literally post about a shitty person and something shitty they did, and people agree with you. The worst people are highest voted. We’re terrible people, right?
  • Karma Hunt: Post something good you did for somebody, and people upvote the most charitable acts. Do you get any actual good karma from this? Probably not. It’s mostly self-serving.
  • Luck Hunt: Product Hunt, but if you're the Xth person to upvote something, you win money. THIS IS THE NEXT LEVEL OF FANTASY SPORTS, BABIES.
  • Meta Hunt: Product Hunt for “Product Hunt for X” sites. Product Hunt is sort of already this, but I figure let’s cut out the BS and make a site dedicated to this thing.
  • Nuck Hunt: Same as the aforementioned Fuck Hunt, but for Canadians.
  • Oregon Trail, Telescope Edition: This version of insanity takes the original beloved computer game, The Oregon Trail, and puts every possible scenario in a list. You have a limited number of upvotes and can use them toward rations, game, diseases – literally everything the game has to offer – and the game returns a likeliness of you surviving the Oregon Trail with those decisions. Basically, a way less fun version of the game.
  • Problem Hunt: Upvote actual problems around which people should build products to solve – they can be any problems, large or small. (Disclaimer: this one’s kind of a real idea, and it already existed once as Real Problem Hunt but was shut down – I think this deserves to come back at some point.)
  • Quote Pilot: You know all those sites with huge lists of inspirational quotes? Ever want to make your own soundbyte-y quote? Submit it here and people upvote the most moving ones. Because we need more inspirational quotes every day!
  • Reverse Hunt: Vote for the least cool things. The less votes, the better. Countercultures, unite.
  • Sidetracked: the Game: submit something that distracted you today – anything at all. Other people upvote the things also distracting them. The test: seeing how many of those things you can avoid clicking on. It’s totally a game!
  • Telescope Hunt: Product Hunt for all sites made with the Telescope platform. (No relation to Meta Hunt, of course…)
  • Uber Hunt: Product Hunt for Uber drivers. Or is it Uber for Product Hunt fans? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW!
  • Viral Hunt: Product Hunt, but with auto-sharing upon every upvote. You thought you couldn't post any more content to your followers? Think again!
  • Witch Hunt: Post people you think are witches, and then others can upvote if they agree with you. Then we burn the highest-voted ones at the stake!
  • X for Product Hunt: Post and upvote features for Product Hunt. (This isn't actually that bad of an idea for a feature request tool…?)
  • Yerba Hunté: Upvote the best kinds of maté…?
  • Zoo Hunt: Zoo animals. Which ones are the best? I’m done with this list.
  1. That is, ideas that will probably get made regardless of whether they’re actually good. In fact, most of these are completely ridiculous. But so are people who insist on making their own “hunt” sites for every possible niche they can think of. Yay products! ↩︎

You Won’t Be Successful, Unless This Post Is

You’ve probably seen a ton of #content appearing on your various social media feeds lately offering inspirational stories, Life Hacks and general tips that might make you a better person. It might not, but at least it’s yet another new thing to try at some point in your miserable life-in-need-of-constant-stimulation-and-improvement.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.

You clicked on this post because I wrote a highly-targeted, urgent, actionable title that caught your eye. I got you with a trope. You idiot.

I, however, am an influencer. And I would like to influence you. Did you know that the following people employed tactics to lead successful lives?

  • Steve Jobs
  • Mark Zuckerberg
  • Oprah Winfrey
  • Sheryl Sandberg
  • Richard Branson
  • Howard Schultz
  • Warren Buffett
  • George Soros
  • Barack Obama
  • Most of the other writers on Medium

You probably did learn this by reading or hearing about it somewhere else. But I don’t care about that. I want you to think of me and this post next time you think about any of those famous, successful people. I want you to consume my #content and subscribe to my #newsletter and buy my endorsed #products, so I will inject myself into your life wherever and however I can. You will thank me for whatever Life Hack or tactic or change you made to your life, and consuming all that I spew is the first step.

So, to recap:

You are basically a massive failure until you follow all the points I lay out below.

1. Like and recommend this post and all my other Medium posts.

You might have read dozens, even hundreds of tips, posts, articles or even novels about what you can do to improve your life. But before recommending any of those, recommend my juicy content first.

2. Tell all your friends and followers to also like and recommend all my Medium posts.

Write your own content on Medium where you link to this article and generally reference my wise words and/or expertise on a field I totally have credibility writing about.

But what about the other social networks, you might ask? Yeah, share this post there too. It’s just more content for your friends and followers to digest. But it’s content YOU endorsed.

3. Follow me on every possible social media network & channel on which you can find me.

If you’re not on a network…well, get on it, dammit. I may or may not have profiles on the following sites:

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • YouTube
  • Google+
  • Vine
  • Periscope
  • Foursquare
  • SoundCloud
  • Spotify
  • Dribble
  • Behance
  • Product Hunt
  • Medium
  • Github
  • various Slack channels
  • Etsy
  • Ello

When in doubt, assume I have a profile there. Follow and watch me as I grow my following of minions!

4. Click on every paid advertisement you see that has my name and/or face on it.

I’m not just talking about the sponsored posts on BuzzFeed, Medium, etc. that I clearly paid for to get your attention; I’m also talking about Facebook ads. I even have an in at Forbes who hooked me up with advertising there – you know the 3 second ad you see every time you open up a Forbes article? You might start to see me there. Click on me there. I’ll make some money and burn my image into your brain some more.

I also have some sponsored content on ESPN. I don’t even like sports.

But I LOVE developing my brand shamelessly.

5. Subscribe to my newsletter (because of course I have one) and read it, every single time you receive it, to completion.

Because I know how much you love and value every single email in your fucking inbox. You might already be subscribed to the newsletters of various other writers, marketers and influencers – so what’s another?

Also make sure to click every link in the email several times.

Me, me, me. This is all about me, and not at all about you or your inbox or your attention span.

6. Praise my success with me.

Once this post and my various social profiles reach a certain amount of attention, I will write about it. I will convey to the world how I did it, how you helped me, and what my next steps are going to be.

Then, you can read that and repeat the 6 steps I’ve laid out in this post.


Did you like what you just read? Have you not followed me yet on all my social media channels? If not, it is the single most important thing you can do as a living, breathing adult. Click on this link and this link and that link, and maybe this link too.

Content content content content content content content content content content content content content content content.


Special thanks to all the other digital marketers and social media people who made this satire possible! Sorry, I got frustrated this week with #content. This is not representative of ALL inspirational writing, just a li’l joke about that writing which is dishonest, contrived and/or pandering for the sake of marketability.

Also, sorry that I have to make that clear as to not inadvertently offend anyone.